i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
They have beer where we have blood.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
