Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
