Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
