So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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