Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
