And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
