Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
