we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
