I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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