I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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