I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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