found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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