what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were destined to go to rehab together
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
