My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
