I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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