so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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