I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
