last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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