Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
