my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
