Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am one with the molecules
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I want a musical about memes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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