I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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