My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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