i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
