Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
