I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
