I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
