remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
