An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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