i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
