a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
