Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Is it penis luge time yet?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
