I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
