Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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