last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
