i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
