I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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