Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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