Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
