i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
