Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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