why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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