Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
