i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
These tits shall not be calmed
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