puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had to cum in my sink.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
