Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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