note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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