He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
