I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
