you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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